Faith, Hope, Patience

Two weeks ago today, I started the new treatment program. Although it hasn 't been anything like the inpatient treatments, it continues to pose it's own challenges.

The inpatient treatments as I have explained previously were quite distressing in the psychological aspects. This fortunately is not the case with this new program. I am most grateful. Especially since I go back a week from today and start it all over again.

Primarily, I have been dealing with a poor appetite and fatigue again. I had some difficulty sleeping a few nights, but that was fleeting and for the most part, I am sleeping well again.

I do have to deal with constant chemical taste in my mouth. This is different from the "rusty nail" taste I had with the previous treatments. Instead, I always taste some kind of unpleasant chemical that I am unable to describe. When I try to eat, food for the most part tastes pretty good. Afterward however, I am left with this taste and a sour stomach.

My bowels haven't reacted very well either this time. I feel a little bloated all the time and feel a constant need to move my bowels. For a while - the first few days - I was quite constipated, but that has resolved and now leaves me with frequent trips to the bathroom to only pass small amounts of stool and lots of gas every time. It's better than being constipated but the repeated efforts to try to go are getting old.

Generally, I feel fairly well, just profoundly tired. I walked out to the mailbox the other day and by the time I turned around to come back to the house, Patti had to help me because I became all shaky and tired. I have improved though and felt well enough to go to Home Depot with my little brother this past Saturday to get some stuff. While I was standing there, not doing anything, just looking at stuff on the shelf, I got hot, sweaty and all shaky. That lasted about 2 - 3 minutes and then resolved. It was my first trip out of the house in a long time other than to go to the hospital for blood work which I do twice a week. It was good to get out and do something, but it took a toll on me. I had to rest when I got home.

This is still all so foreign to me. I used to get up at 5:00 a.m. everyday and be busy all day and all evening. I'd get to bed about 11:00 p.m. and then start the same thing all over again. Now I feel lucky to do the few things I do without collapsing or having to use a walker.

Hopefully, the end is in sight. Our hope is that this new treatment program combined with all the wonderful prayers and faith of our friends and family will soon bring the response we are looking for. We put our faith and trust in God and in our Savior. After all, His love is paramount and all encompassing.

I do not stress over this. I do not spend any time wondering "why me?" Actually, I have never asked that questions. I figure after all the suffering and pain I have seen in my days as a paramedic/firefighter and as a PA, it's just my turn. I take it one day at a time and feel so blessed by so many people. I just want it to be over so I can go back to taking care of my family and my patients.

The wonderful phone calls and e-mails, and cards, and prayers and faith and everything are overwhelming to me. A wonderful friend and neighbor brought by a gift just this morning - a framed quotation that says, "God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain . . . but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way." How wonderful. I am honored to be remembered and so blessed by so many.

Jim